How to Be Your Own Life Coach

"Ever wish you had someone in your corner 24/7 -- cheering you on, picking you up when you're down, helping you set goals and deal with life's challenges?

Better look in the mirror.

It's time to become your own life coach. You can't always count on friends or family members for constant support -- especially now, when everyone seems buffeted by uncertainty. Professional coaches (and therapists) can provide valuable help, but they're pricey, aren't typically on call at all hours, and established ones may be hard to book.

The ability to mentally coach yourself is particularly important now, as we head into another unexpectedly hard season. The appearance of a new Covid-19 variant -- just when we thought the pandemic was lifting! -- has thrown many of us back into the stress of fear and uncertainty. It has arrived just in time for the holidays, which can be a lonely or bittersweet time for many, especially those who are grieving.

"You need to be your own best friend," says Lo Myrick, a mind-set coach and business consultant based in Charlotte, N.C. "You need to take responsibility for yourself."

Research in a concept that psychologists call self-determination shows that having the ability to draw on internal resources, such self-regulation or self-compassion, during tough times is essential to our well-being and performance. We're strongest and most stable when we're motivated from within, have control over our decision-making and time, and feel a sense of purpose.

It might seem intimidating, but learning to coach yourself now will help you be more resilient in the face of future challenges. Here's some advice from the experts.

Turn down the noise

First, you need to be able to hear yourself think. Ms. Myrick recommends a three-pronged approach: "Turn down the volume of the external stuff you can't control in the news, from the people in your life, and in your own head," she says.

The news part is easy. Delete everything on your phone that isn't essential. Turn off the notifications on what you keep. Pick a few trusted news sources. If you feel you must check social media, set a strict limit on how much time you can spend on it.

You'll also need to set boundaries with loved ones. Turn off text alerts and create periods of time when no one can reach you, unless it's an emergency. Explain to friends and family that you're busy or don't have the capacity to engage at the moment and will get back to them later.

And breathe -- slowly and deeply. Focus on the sensations you feel in your body and your heartbeat when you do it. This will help calm the noise in your head and bring your attention to the present moment.

Start reflecting

 

Next, take control of your time, coaches say. "The day can run you or you can run the day," says Michael "Woody" Woodward, an organizational psychologist and professor of executive coaching at New York University's School of Professional Studies. "If you let the day lead, then everyone else's priorities get accomplished but yours."

 

Carve out space in the morning and the evening to reflect on what works, what doesn't and where you're going, Dr. Woodward says. Pick a time each morning -- maybe when you first sit down at your desk -- to write down your core priorities. These are the meaningful things you want to accomplish by the end of the day.

 

"You're going to vet everything that comes at you the rest of the day against these priorities, using them to help you decide what to do or not do," Dr. Woodward says.

 

Then pick a time each evening to write down and reflect on three things: What worked today? What didn't? What can I celebrate? We're evolutionarily designed to scan for threats, so it's easy to remember the negative events. We need to make a habit of celebrating our successes and the things we did right. Maybe you helped someone out, solved a problem or simply followed your plan for the day.

 

"Negative self-talk is easy," Dr. Woodward says. "You need to be deliberate about finding reasons to tell yourself: 'I should feel good about that.'"

Think small

 

Savor the small joys, and try to include more of them in your life. Did you make a nice meal? Have a fun chat with a friend? Play with your kids? Cuddle your pet? "These little milestones keep us optimistic and get us from one step to the next," says Brad Stulberg, an executive coach in Asheville, N.C., and author of "The Practice of Groundedness."

 

Small routines are also important, because they create order and predictability, Mr. Stulberg says. This will also help you feel less overwhelmed and less exhausted. So go ahead and make your bed -- you know you should -- or schedule a walk for the same time each morning.

"You can't solve Covid, but when you have coffee every day at 2 or work out for 20 minutes at lunch, that will give you a sense of control," Mr. Stulberg says. "And you will get little dopamine hits and have something to look forward to."

Practice acceptance

It's OK not to feel OK. If you try to suppress difficult emotions, they'll only pop back up. And judging yourself for feeling unhappy will make you feel worse. Coaches work to help their clients accept reality so they can deal with the situation more clearly.

A mantra could help. Ms. Myrick recommends one that accepts your experience and allows the feelings to move through you and not be suppressed, such as "My emotions and feelings are valid."

Part of practicing acceptance is to adjust your expectations. When you expect things to be different than they are, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment. "You have to do what you can with the reality that is in front of you," Ms. Myrick says.

 

A good coach will always remind a client that most setbacks are temporary, regardless of how entrenched a tough situation or problem feels at the moment. So remind yourself that this too shall pass. "When we're in the midst of a challenge, it can feel like it is going to last forever," says Mr. Stulberg. "You need to be patient and take the long view."" [1]

 

1. Bonds: How to Be Your Own Life Coach --- Stressed? Worn down? The ability to mentally support yourself is an important skill to hone
Bernstein, Elizabeth. Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y. [New York, N.Y]. 09 Dec 2021: A.15.