For Self Care, Learn How To Say No --- We need to prioritize if we want to rebuild lives that are more balanced, meaningful

 

"Marie Silvani recently received a flattering request. Two women on her tennis team asked her to be the captain.

She didn't really want to do it. She had recently retired and wanted to have more time to herself. But instead of declining outright, she equivocated. "Let me think about it," she said.

"I forgot how to say no," says Ms. Silvani, 65, a retired entrepreneur. "It's been awhile."

"No" has never been an easy word to say, especially to the people we care about most. And after two years of pandemic life -- with very few invitations to decline -- we may be even rustier than usual at delivering the bad news.

Yet, many of us now are fielding more invites and requests than we have in years. We're eager to get back out there. We're also burnt out on stress and schedules that often seem like all work and no fun. We know that if we want to rebuild lives that are more balanced and more meaningful we need to prioritize. Learning to decline requests will be crucial to this effort.

Think of saying no as the ultimate self-care strategy.

"If we just agree to everything mindlessly, we are not going to be able to come up with the priorities to take us where we want to go," says Vanessa Bohns, an associate professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University.

We sometimes say yes simply because we're uncomfortable saying no. We're social beings -- we want people to like us. We feel guilty if we let others down or hurt their feelings, especially our closest family and friends. They're the ones who often want us to say yes the most -- and who may experience our "no" as a rejection of them, rather than of the request.

We also may worry that there will be repercussions. Maybe saying no will harm the relationship. Or maybe if we say no we won't be asked again. This fear of missing out is especially potent right now, says Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills, Calif.

"We haven't seen folks in years and feel like new patterns and groups are forming," she says. "And we want to be sure we're in the mix."

Some people have a harder time saying no than others, including people who are anxious, conflict-avoidant or eager to please. And women typically experience more guilt when they say no, largely because of society's expectation that they say yes to requests for help, says Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon's Tepper School of Business and co-author of "The No Club: Putting a Stop to Women's Dead-End Work," which details how she and several colleagues started a support group to help each other learn to say no.

Yet, research shows that most people probably won't be as upset by our "no" as we think they will, says Dr. Bohns, author of "You Have More Influence Than You Think." This is because we have a "harshness bias" -- a tendency to believe that others will judge us more severely than they actually do.

What is the best way to say no? Here's some advice.

Don't rush

We tend to overestimate how quickly people expect us to get back to them, even via email. Dr. Bohns recommends pausing before responding to an invite or request. Figure out what you want to do first.

This is easy to do in email or text. If the person is asking you for an answer in person, buy yourself some time. You can ask them if you can get back to them later. And request more information so you can make an informed decision.

Start with thank you

You can't stall forever. That's not good for your relationship.

You'll make the other person feel better -- less personally rejected -- by showing appreciation for their request or offer: "Thank you so much for thinking of me! I'd love to, but unfortunately. . ."

And you'll feel less guilty about saying no if you were gracious about it, says Dr. Taitz.

Be honest.

It's tempting to offer up a little white lie. ("Sorry, I have to babysit my niece that day.") But dishonesty drives a wedge in a relationship, Dr. Taitz says. And it will make you feel anxious about being found out.

It's better to give an honest -- and gracious -- response, she says. An example: "I'd love to come to dinner, thanks. But I reserve evenings for time with my family."

Even a difficult and anxiety-producing request can be answered with polite honesty, Dr. Taitz says. Did your friend ask if he could invite his obnoxious cousin to go golfing with you? Try this: "I appreciate you asking. Bob's a fun guy. But I'm not sure he's a good fit with the other folks who will be there."

Soften the blow

You can do this by offering to do something else for the person. If you can't attend a friend's wedding, for instance, you could offer to help with the planning, or even just to take her to lunch to hear about it.

Dr. Weingart calls this the "positive no" approach. It's often done in negotiations.

There's a formula: yes-no-yes. Say yes to yourself first (by deciding to prioritize your time over the request). Say no to the request. Then follow that up with another yes, which is the offer to do something else. It should be something that works for both of you, says Dr. Weingart.

Stay firm

Some people refuse to take no for an answer. If this happens, try repeating -- politely! -- what you already told them. You may also need to say: "I feel like you're pressuring me. Please understand why I really can't say yes."

Ms. Silvani, who lives in North Palm Beach, Fla., used to be very bad at saying no. For years, she said yes to nearly every project, dinner party and charity event that came her way. "I'm a people pleaser," she says.

Eventually, she became so exhausted that her health -- and her relationships -- suffered. So she tried an experiment. For one year, she gave a simple "no" -- "not some lengthy B.S. excuse" -- to every big request she received. She even kept a button on her desk that blurted out several versions of "no" when she pushed it.

"I learned that 'no' can be a complete sentence," she says." [1]

1. Bonds: For Self Care, Learn How To Say No --- We need to prioritize if we want to rebuild lives that are more balanced, meaningful
Bernstein, Elizabeth.
Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y. [New York, N.Y]. 04 May 2022: A.12.

Kinijos vadovas Xi, matydamas sankcijų poveikį Rusijai, pabrėžia savarankiškumą

„Kinijos lyderis Xi Jinpingas kelia pylimus, kad jo tauta taptų labiau savarankiška – misija, kurią Rusijos sankcijos padarė būtina.

 

    Kinija perpumpavo milijardus dolerių į puslaidininkių gamybą, kaupė grūdų ir naftos atsargas bei užmezgė tarptautinius ryšius su savo finansų sistema. Pagrindo priežastis yra baimė būti užblokuotai Vakarų ekonomikų dėl griežtų sankcijų, kurias Rusijai skyrė JAV ir Europos Sąjunga.

 

    Ragavusiai JAV sankcijų, Kinija gali susidurti su reikšmingesnėmis sankcijomis karinės konfrontacijos su JAV atveju, galbūt dėl ​​Taivano arba jei Pekinas pasiūlys Maskvai esminę pagalbą.

 

    Pekine nebuvo praleista, kad, susidūrusios su Maskva, „Vakarų jėgos judėjo nepaprastai veržliai ir kaip vieningas frontas“, – sako Eswaras Prasadas, buvęs Tarptautinio valiutos fondo Kinijos skyriaus vadovas, o dabar Kornelio universiteto prekybos politikos profesorius.

 

    Daug didesnę Kinijos ekonomiką atkirsti sunkiau, nei Rusijos. Nepaisant to, J. Prasadas sako: „Viena pamoka, kurią Kinija tikriausiai išmoko iš kritimo, yra ta, kad ji išlieka pažeidžiama finansinių, ekonominių ir technologinių sankcijų“.

 

    Xi vadovavimo laikotarpiu trys JAV administracijos iš eilės taikė sankcijas Kinijai, įskaitant „Huawei Technologies Co.“ ir įmones, turinčias įtariamų karinių ryšių, taip pat pareigūnus ir subjektus, kuriuos Vašingtonas laiko atsakingais už žmogaus teisių pažeidimus.

 

    Atrodė, kad kiekvienas žingsnis pagilino pono Xi savarankiškumo siekį.

 

    Praėjus dienai po Vakarų sankcijų Rusijai paskelbimo, Komunistų partijos „People's Daily“ vedamajame leidinyje buvo rašoma: „Nepriklausomybė ir pasitikėjimas savimi užtikrina, kad partijos ir žmonių reikalas ir toliau judės nuo pergalės prie pergalės“.

 

    Priešingai, nei silpnas Rusijos gamybos sektorius ir eksporto bazės, kurioje dominuoja tokios žaliavos, kaip nafta ir dujos, Kinija gamina didelį mastą ir plačią aprėptį. „Tai yra Kinijos pranašumas“, – nuskambėjo nacionalistinio bulvarinio laikraščio „Global Times“ kovo mėnesio komentaras.

 

    Remiantis Harvardo tarptautinės plėtros centro duomenimis, Kinija tiekia trečdalį pasaulio tekstilės gaminių, daugiau, nei 27% elektronikos ir beveik 20% mašinų. Tai beveik vienintelė retųjų žemių metalų eksportuotoja, reikalingų gaminiams nuo naktinio matymo akinių iki elektromobilių, tokių, kaip Teslos, akumuliatorių.

 

    Rusijos stiliaus traukimasis iš Kinijos nebūtų lengvas Amerikos ekonomikai. Praėjusiais metais JAV prekybos rūmų ir „Rhodium Group“ ataskaitoje buvo apskaičiuota, kad jei būtų atsisakyta pusės JAV investicijų į Kiniją, Amerikos įmonėms tai kainuotų 25 mlrd. JAV bendrajam vidaus produktui 500 milijardų dolerių.

 

    Wang Wen, Pekino Renmino universiteto Chongyang finansinių studijų instituto vykdomasis dekanas, tvirtina, kad daugiašalis koordinavimas būtų per sunkus prieš 10 kartų didesnę, už Rusijos, ekonomiką ir kad Pekinas įveiktų iššūkį, panašiai, kaip per Trumpo administracijos prekybos karą.

 

    Rėjus Dalio, rizikos draudimo fondo „Bridgewater Associates“ įkūrėjas, tvirtinęs, kad Kinija auga JAV sąskaita, sako, kad jei sankcijos Rusijai pasiteisintų, tai sustiprintų JAV svertą. Tačiau ponas Dalio balandį rašė: „Jei sankcijos nebus veiksmingos, rizikuosime, kad Amerika praras savo unikaliausią ir didžiausią galią – pasaulio atsargų valiutos ir kapitalo rinkų sistemos kontrolę, o kiti vis dažniau jos išvengs.“

 

    Galiausiai doleris yra taškas, dėl kurio JAV taikomos sankcijos yra veiksmingos.

 

    Popieriuje Kinija yra išskirtinai turtinga, turinti mažą tarptautinę skolą ir 3,2 trilijono dolerių užsienio valiutos atsargas. Tačiau kiek tų pinigų Kinija galėtų gauti per konfliktą su JAV, kilo abejonių, kai JAV federalinis rezervų bankas ir kiti pagrindiniai centriniai bankai įšaldė maždaug pusę Rusijos 600 mlrd. dolerių atsargų po invazijos.

 

    Ponas Prasadas sakė, kad Pekinas atsidūrė pavojingame finansų rinkos liberalizavimo taške, nes užsienio instituciniai investuotojai įnešė pakankamai pinigų, kad sukeltų skausmą, jei prarastas pasitikėjimas paskatintų juos lenktyniauti dėl pasitraukimo, bet to nepakanka ten, kur valstybė turi daug svertų virš užsienio institucinių investuotojų ir jų šalies vyriausybės“ [1]

1. World News: Xi, Seeing Impact Of Curbs on Russia, Touts Self-Reliance
Areddy, James T.
Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y. [New York, N.Y]. 04 May 2022: A.20.

Xi, Seeing Impact Of Curbs on Russia, Touts Self-Reliance

"Chinese leader Xi Jinping is raising ramparts to make his nation more self-reliant, a mission Russia's war in Ukraine has made more imperative.

China has pumped billions of dollars into semiconductor production, stockpiled grains and oil, and established international links to its financial system. At the root of the push is the fear of getting blocked out of Western economies by heavy penalties of the sort the U.S. and European Union have thrust at Russia.

No stranger to the bite of U.S. sanctions, China could face more significant ones in the case of a military confrontation with the U.S., perhaps over Taiwan, or if Beijing offers pivotal assistance to Moscow.

It wasn't missed in Beijing that when confronting Moscow, "the Western powers moved with tremendous alacrity and as a united front," says Eswar Prasad, the International Monetary Fund's former China division chief and now a professor of trade policy at Cornell University.

China's much-larger economy is more difficult to cut off than Russia's. Nonetheless, Mr. Prasad says, "One lesson that China is probably taking from the fallout is it remains vulnerable to financial, economic and technological sanctions."

During Mr. Xi's time in office, three successive U.S. administrations have leveled sanctions at China, including Huawei Technologies Co. and companies with alleged military ties as well as officials and entities Washington holds responsible for human-rights abuses.

Each move has appeared to deepen Mr. Xi's quest for self-reliance.

A day after Western sanctions on Russia, an editorial in the Communist Party's People's Daily said, "Independence and self-reliance ensure that the cause of the party and the people will continue to move from victory to victory."

In contrast to Russia's weak manufacturing sector and an export base dominated by commodities like oil and gas, China has large scale and broad reach in production. "This is China's advantage," crowed a March commentary in the nationalistic tabloid Global Times.

China supplies a third of the world's textiles, more than 27% of its electronics and almost 20% of the machines, according to data from Harvard's Center for International Development. It is virtually the only exporter of rare-earth metals necessary to make items from night-vision goggles to batteries for electric vehicles like Teslas.

A Russia-style retreat from China wouldn't be easy for the American economy. A U.S. Chamber of Commerce-Rhodium Group report last year estimated that if half of the U.S. investment in China were abandoned, it would cost American companies $25 billion annually in lost profit, with the aviation, chemical and medical sectors particularly hard hit, on top of a $500 billion hit to the U.S. gross domestic product.

Wang Wen, executive dean of Chongyang Institute for Financial Studies at Renmin University in Beijing, argues that multilateral coordination would be too unwieldy against an economy 10 times the size of Russia's and that Beijing would power through the challenge, much like it did during the Trump administration's trade war.

Ray Dalio, founder of hedge fund Bridgewater Associates who has argued China is rising at the U.S.'s expense, says that if sanctions on Russia work, it would enhance U.S. leverage. However, Mr. Dalio wrote in April, "If they are not effective, we will risk seeing America lose its most unique and greatest power -- its control over the world's reserve currency and capital-markets system -- as others increasingly escape it."

Ultimately, the dollar is the choke-point that makes U.S. sanctions effective.

On paper, China is exceptionally rich with little international debt and $3.2 trillion in foreign-exchange reserves. But how much of that money China could access during a conflict with the U.S. was thrown into doubt when the U.S. Federal Reserve and other leading central banks froze about half of Russia's $600 billion in reserves after its invasion.

Mr. Prasad said Beijing stands at a dangerous point in its financial-market liberalization, since foreign institutional investors have pumped in enough money to inflict pain if a loss of confidence prompts them to race for the exits but not enough where the state has much leverage over them and their home governments." [1]

1. World News: Xi, Seeing Impact Of Curbs on Russia, Touts Self-Reliance
Areddy, James T.
Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y. [New York, N.Y]. 04 May 2022: A.20.