In Praise of Bragging --- Some tips for celebrating your achievements without seeming like a jerk

"Most etiquette mavens give self-celebration a bad rap. Debrett's -- the British bible on good manners -- calls boasting "a childish character trait." It counsels, instead, to "resort wherever possible to understatement." The 17th-century mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal similarly observed in his "Pensees": "If you want people to think well of you, do not speak well of yourself." Parents everywhere seem inclined to agree. I was certainly told quite a few times that "no one likes a showoff."

According to recent research on social connection, however, this well-worn advice is mistaken. Sure, there are risks to tooting your own horn too loudly or too often. But there are also dangers in hiding your achievements, and false modesty is often worse than shameless self-praise. In many cases, it is better to brag. The trick is in knowing how to do it.

A 2021 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that around 80% of people say they often play down their achievements to avoid seeming arrogant and inciting envy. Yet the researchers found that this reticence can backfire, particularly when others learn the truth about their accomplishments.

In one experiment, researchers recruited 153 pairs of people who knew each other as friends, colleagues, romantic partners or family members. In each pair, one person had to write down a recent event that made them proud, happy or excited. Responses included everything from hitting a weightlifting best to going viral on social media. The researchers then gave this information to the other person in the pair. The twist lay in the presentation. In half the cases, the researchers said the partner had chosen to pass along the information; for the rest, they (falsely) claimed that the partner had wished for it to remain private.

This difference might seem small, but it transformed how people felt about their partner's success. If they believed their friends or lovers wished to keep the good news a secret, they reacted by feeling insulted and less close to them. They were also less interested in spending money on a friendly e-card meant to celebrate their relationship. (Participants were fully debriefed about this manipulation after the experiment to ensure these bitter feelings didn't linger.)

As further evidence of a "humility penalty," the research team asked hundreds of people to imagine how they would react to a range of scenarios. For example, how would they feel if they learned from their mother that a sibling just got a huge raise? How would they feel if their sibling shared the good news themselves? In each case, participants expressed resentment at efforts to mask the truth. If they learned that someone they cared about had failed to mention a success, people saw this as condescending, as if their own fragile egos needed to be managed, which made them feel less close to the person in question.

Apparently, humblebragging -- the habit of veiling a boast with a complaint or false humility -- is similarly problematic. Ovul Sezer at Cornell University's SC Johnson College of Business has shown that humblebrags make people less likable because they seem insincere. These cheeky boasts also tend to confound the message someone may hope to convey. Sezer's research shows that claiming "I am so exhausted from getting elected to leadership positions" can make someone seem less competent than if they had more simply said, "I get elected to leadership positions."

Basically, when someone presents themselves in a way that seems artificial or contrived, we end up taking everything they say with a pinch of salt -- including their claims of success. Unapologetic crowing comes across like a genuine expression of pride, so it arouses fewer suspicions. Of course, this only works if these statements are grounded in fact.

Some suggest that our aversion to insincere bragging has evolutionary origins. With the rise of cooperation, humans learned to be wary of anyone who seemed inclined to manipulate others for personal gain. 

This may also explain why we dislike self-praise that involves overt social comparison. According to the "hubris hypothesis," our brags are generally well-tolerated as long as we are not tearing others down to prop ourselves up. If it seems like we are judging our colleagues harshly, we'll attract few collaborators.

 So when boasting about your job performance, you are better off saying "I have an excellent sales record" than "I have a much better sales record than my colleagues."

When describing a success to people you don't really know, you would also do well to mention some of the challenges you faced along the way. This is a great way to sweeten any bitter feelings others may have about your rise to glory, according to research reported in the Journal of Experimental Psychology in 2019.

One study found that when entrepreneurs spoke candidly about the failures behind their success, others were less likely to see them as "smug" or "conceited," and more likely to agree with statements such as "I will try harder to obtain funding for my startup at the next opportunity" and "I want to be like this entrepreneur." By talking about setbacks, these entrepreneurs turned achievements that might have inspired envy into a source of inspiration. This is why it can be so encouraging when bestselling authors mention the many rejection letters they got first.

All of this is to say that there are rules for effective bragging. As long as you tell the truth, avoid belittling others and acknowledge the challenges you've faced, you should find that your self-celebration isn't just tolerated but welcomed.

Our fears about looking obnoxiously arrogant if we toot our own horn seem to stem from an underestimation of human nature. What the research demonstrates over and over again is that people are often much kinder, more supportive and more accepting than we presume. So instead of talking constantly about schadenfreude -- taking pleasure in someone else's pain -- perhaps it is time to celebrate mitfreude, the joy we feel in someone else's pleasure.

When we share our excitement with others, we are letting them know that we want them to be a part of our happiness. In this way, bragging can actually help us feel more connected to the people we care about and who care about us.

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David Robson's latest book is "The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network," published by Pegasus." [1]

1. REVIEW --- In Praise of Bragging --- Some tips for celebrating your achievements without seeming like a jerk. Robson, David.  Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y.. 22 June 2024: C.5.