Do You Have a Hard Time Letting People Down?

"“Put yourself first” is often good advice when it comes to taking care of your mental health. Are you able to follow it?

Think of a time when you had to let someone down. Perhaps you told a friend you would hang out, but then later decided you didn’t have the energy. Or maybe you had to quit something, like a sport or club, because you realized you had taken on too many activities.

What was that experience like? What did you take away from it?

In “How to Let People Down and Be OK With It,” Catherine Pearson writes about why setting these kinds of boundaries can be so challenging:

In the last few years, several celebrities have captured the spotlight by stepping back to prioritize their mental health.

First it was Simone Biles bowing out of the 2020 Olympics early. Then Naomi Osaka avoided talking to the press at the 2021 French Open, and the singer Shawn Mendes canceled a tour in 2022. Most recently, the pop star Chappell Roan pulled out of two music festival performances.

These high-profile acts of self-preservation highlight an uncomfortable truth: Although self-care is important, putting your own needs first often means letting others down. When you set boundaries, there is a good chance that “some people will experience hurt, anger and disappointment,” said Juliane Taylor Shore, a licensed therapist and the author of “Setting Boundaries That Stick.”

The article also includes several pieces of advice from mental health professionals on how to set boundaries. One is to “take it easy on yourself”:

Self-compassion is about finding a sweet spot between our needs and the needs of others, said Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, who has written several books on the topic.

After you let someone down, Dr. Neff recommends taking a few deep breaths and closing your eyes. Think about the person you let down and the precipitating event, and spend a few moments sitting with any feelings of pain or guilt that arise.

Next, remind yourself that you are human, and encourage yourself to accept who you are. If you want, it may help to put your hand on your heart or elsewhere on your body and imagine compassion flowing from your hand toward yourself on your in-breath, Dr. Neff said.

And try not to see another person’s reaction to your news as a reflection of you. Ms. Shore emphasized that you are not responsible for anyone’s feelings, which can be shaped by that person’s history or the kind of day they are having." [1]

1. Do You Have a Hard Time Letting People Down?: Student Opinion. Doyne, Shannon.  New York Times (Online) New York Times Company. Oct 16, 2024.