In Search of Deeper Relationships: What we look for in a partner has changed dramatically over the past few years. In many ways, Covid taught us what is most important.

 

"Covid has cast a long shadow over our collective physical and mental health, our children's development and our economy.

But there has been a silver lining when it comes to our attitudes about love, marriage and relationships. The pandemic and everything it brought to bear has forced us to re-evaluate our priorities and made us smarter about our choices. And if this shift in attitude persists, it bodes well for the future of love and relationships.

In 2020, as the CEO of a portfolio of dating platforms, I watched how the pandemic upended the lives of single people around the world. I distinctly remember the many versions of "Dating Is Dead" headlines during the early days of the pandemic.

And unsurprisingly, yes, we did see a big downtick in our business. But just a few weeks into the pandemic, once the shock factor wore off, engagement on dating apps increased to historic highs. Women led the way -- they were talking to more people, spending more time online and on video getting to know potential dates. It was clear that the inability to meet in real life wasn't going to take away our very existential need for love and relationships.

In fact, the shared sense of insecurity drove people to seek human connection in ways I had never seen before. So many of the social rules about dating were thrown away. People no longer cared about physical looks. They cared less about finding "people near them." We were hearing stories about how a first date turned into a move-in -- there were so many hilarious and heartwarming stories of quarantine couples. And about six months into the pandemic, we started hearing stories about people flying to other cities or even countries to meet someone they had fallen in love with online. Long distance was no longer a barrier for relationships.

A lot has changed in the two years since those early uncertain pandemic days, and yet some attitudinal shifts about love and relationships have continued. The 12th annual Singles in America study by Match came out recently, and a couple of things stood out to me.

First, 74% of singles are now looking to find a partner who wants to marry.

This is the second year in a row where far more singles are eager for a committed long-term relationship compared with the prepandemic survey of 2019.

What's more, young people are showing real wisdom about their dating choices. They are far less judgmental and much more inclined to focus on attributes that increase the odds of long-term relationship success. They understand the difference between love and lust (half of those surveyed say they have fallen in love with someone they weren't initially attracted to). They are expanding their dating pool -- 58% are open to starting a long-distance relationship. And both men and women are surprisingly more flexible about age difference than ever before -- a quarter of men would date women 10 years older than them and a quarter of women would date men 10 years younger than them.

Most notably, for years "physical attractiveness" has ranked among one of the topmost desirable attributes in a potential partner. This year, it has been knocked out of the top five most-desired traits. Instead, 92% of singles now rank "emotional maturity" and "comfortably communicating their needs and wants" among the most important traits. And the No. 1 attribute most singles are looking for is someone they can trust and confide in. This bodes well for longer, healthier relationships. (Personally, I was happy to see "sense of humor" maintain its top five ranking).

The data around how the pandemic affected existing marriages and relationships is still incomplete. While both marriage and divorce rates fell by double digits in 2020, we have to wait a few more years to truly understand what the longer-term impact is. Research from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found that 74% of married couples surveyed in late 2020 felt the pandemic strengthened their marriage, and 82% said it made them feel more committed. I am hopeful that people in relationships and marriages are no different from singles in readjusting their priorities and making commitments to the relationships that matter.

As you can imagine, I am often asked the question, "What is the secret to a long, happy relationship?" I was at a dinner recently with some colleagues, all with different backgrounds and all very successful in their professional lives. Curiously, though, every one of them also happened to have successful and enduring, multidecade relationships. Naturally, I coaxed them to share their stories. As a student of relationships for the better part of a decade and a half, I often seek to have people open up about their secrets in this area.

Turns out, the prevailing wisdom about shared interests, open communication, respect and trust are all true. But over the years, I have also learned a few not-so-conventional tips.

One of them is the very simple but strong desire to want the relationship to succeed. Just like most things in life, even in a relationship, if you really want it to work, you will pick the right priorities and make the right trade-offs to increase the odds of success.

Another nonobvious one I have often heard is that a healthy relationship is one where both partners tend to have identities and interests separate from each other, so that each person has their own intellectually fulfilling space and brings richer experiences to the relationship.

Finally, my own personal words of wisdom, which now having recently crossed the 25 years of marriage milestone, I can perhaps say with some conviction: It is kindness and generosity -- to yourself and your partner.

Thankfully, Covid might have just made a whole lot of us wake up and realize that life is indeed better when shared with someone you love.

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Ms. Dubey is the former CEO of Match Group, which includes Tinder, Hinge, Match and other brands. She remains a member of the board of directors of Match Group. She can be reached at reports@wsj.com." [1]

1. Year in Review (A Special Report): Bonds --- In Search of Deeper Relationships: What we look for in a partner has changed dramatically over the past few years. In many ways, Covid taught us what is most important.
Dubey, Shar.  Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y. [New York, N.Y]. 15 Dec 2022: R.16.