The Secret to Lasting Romance? Doing New Things Together

"When the weather warms, the weddings start. It's the season for celebrating new love and big romantic promises. But as couples exchange their vows and pledge their commitment, many underestimate how challenging it can be to make relationships last. The statistics paint a grim picture. In the U.S., 13% of all first marriages end within five years and around 30% end within 20 years, according to census data. It's one thing to fall in love but quite another to maintain it.

Is there a secret to contented monogamy? According to a growing body of research, the answer isn't to buy flowers or make a restaurant reservation (though these things never hurt). Instead, we need to make sure that our relationships are still encouraging us to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves. Essentially, our strongest bonds broaden our sense of what is possible -- a phenomenon psychologists call "self-expansion."

This theory of love originates with Arthur and Elaine Aron, psychologists who also happen to be married to each other. In a 1995 paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, they asked hundreds of first- and second-year undergraduates -- people "with a high expected incidence of falling in love" -- a series of questions over the course of 10 weeks, including the open-ended, "Who are you today?" Students who were in love offered a list of personal characteristics that grew about 20% over the course of the semester. By contrast, students who weren't in love offered a shrinking list of personal attributes over the same period, indicating a loss of self-esteem.

Self-expansion comes with blissful ease in the first flush of romance, when conversations are full of curiosity, animated storytelling and discovery. Part of the thrill of falling for someone is how it can feel like we are constantly learning something new about the world and even about ourselves. What's more invigorating than being seen and appreciated by a fresh set of adoring eyes?

The challenge is maintaining this excitement, this crackling feeling of promise and possibility, when we've heard all the stories and met all the friends. We may blame our romantic lethargy on our partner's flaws, but the real problem is usually that we miss that exhilarating sense of novelty. We're not just tired of our partners, we're tired of ourselves in the partnership, particularly when so much of our time is spent haggling over chores and other obligations. Here the research is clear: Self-expansion isn't simply a luxury of youthful courtship but an essential feature of any satisfying long-term relationship.

Researchers typically ask couples questions such as, "How much does being with your partner result in you having new experiences?" and "How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?" Partners who respond favorably are consistently less tempted by infidelity. In a 2020 study published in the journal Frontiers of Psychology, people who were prompted to see their romantic relationships as exciting and novel were less likely to react to photos of attractive strangers than those who were simply reminded of their love for their partners, according to fMRI brain scans.

If I think of my relationship with my partner, whom I met when we were both undergraduates 19 years ago, I see a kind of symbiotic growth. His infectious interest in literature inspired me to read more widely, which helped nudge me to become a writer. His passion for food helped transform meals into sources of pleasure, not just sustenance. When I am critical of someone, he helps me respond with greater compassion; if I am too timid, he persuades me to be braver. Although we often disagree, my partner's opinions refine my views, and I am usually wiser for the dispute.

In return, my fascination with science helped to open his mind to the mysteries and wonders of our world. We often marvel together at the small miracles of evolution at zoos, aquariums and botanical gardens, and I'm all too eager to talk about the latest theories of human origins and the "hard problem" of consciousness. I introduced him to the music of Joni Mitchell, whose song "All I Want" could be a self-expansion anthem: "All I really really want our love to do/Is to bring out the best in me and in you too."

Keeping this energy, this dynamic give-and-take, requires effort. It isn't enough to simply make time for each other. We need to think about how we are spending this time. Drinks and dinner are perfect activities when you are getting to know someone, but they may not properly nourish a more established relationship. To feel closer to your partner, research shows it is better to add a dose of the unexpected. This can mean ice-skating, stargazing, mountain-climbing or taking a cooking class. Couples are more likely to discover something new if they experience something unfamiliar together.

In one randomized controlled trial published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology in 2013, researchers at the University of New England in Australia encouraged 50 couples to try new activities together for at least 90 minutes a week over four weeks. 

Without any other relationship counseling, this intervention significantly increased feelings of romantic satisfaction between partners compared with a control group that went without this advice. These feelings were still apparent at a follow-up assessment four months later.

Relationships that offer opportunities for personal growth can also improve our health by buffering the effects of stress. In a survey of nearly 400 Americans published in the journal Personal Relationships, Sarah Stanton at the University of Edinburgh found that people who believed their romantic relationship would lead them "to gain more insights, experiences and/or knowledge from my partner" were significantly less likely to report a range of physical symptoms, such as stomach problems, dizziness, skin rashes or colds.

These effects extend to the bedroom, too. In a series of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2019, Amy Muise at York University in Canada found that couples who saw their partners as sources of insight, excitement and new experiences had more desire for sex with each other. Simply sharing new experiences and activities increased physical desire in long-term partnerships.

To appreciate these findings, we need to set aside assumptions that love is a matter of destiny and frustrations are a sign of incompatibility. We are better off when we embrace the idea that romantic love is a dynamic process that evolves as we grow. So when things start to feel stale -- as they inevitably do now and again -- a candlelit dinner may not be the antidote. To keep things fresh, why not try something different? An adventure spent caving or bungee jumping or on a riverboat casino may not go exactly the way you hope, but you will feel closer for having gotten through it together." [1]

1. REVIEW --- The Secret to Lasting Romance? Doing New Things Together --- Researchers have tips for how couples can reconnect through spelunking, stargazing, sharing music and other activities. D. Robson.  Wall Street Journal, Eastern edition; New York, N.Y.. 11 May 2024: C.4.