“Tips for endearing yourself to your host and fellow attendees — and all but guaranteeing you’ll be asked back.
While there’s never any shortage of advice for individuals planning to throw a party — Martha Stewart’s seminal 1982 book, “Entertaining,” devotes more than 300 pages to the topic — comparatively less attention is paid to the art of being a guest. But it is indeed an art, or at the very least a skill, one that’s apparently being honed more infrequently, as research suggests that the tendency to socialize is in decline in the United States. Still, we probably all know people who are delightful at a dinner party. Hoping to learn their ways, we asked six experts with roots in New York City — a chef, a writer and a singer among them — for their dos and don’ts.
R.S.V.P. With Intention
First, decide if you want to be a guest at all. That means being realistic about your time and energy. The writer and chef Andy Baraghani, 36, admits that with age he’s grown “a bit more selective” about what he commits to, though if the event in question is a friend’s dinner party, he says, “I’m likely to go.” The stylist Beverly Nguyen, 35, founder of Beverly 1975, a home goods store in Lower Manhattan, considers how much her presence would mean to the person who invited her, and what she could contribute to the proceedings. If at this stage you already don’t think you’ll be good company, says the author and T writer at large Aatish Taseer, 45, it might be best to stay home: “To go to a party and be a bore is a crime.” Whatever you do when weighing an invite, says the public relations executive Hamilton South, age withheld, just don’t ask who the other guests will be. “It’s a New York habit,” he says, “and the worst possible kind of manners.” If you do say you’ll attend, build trust by keeping your word. “It’s like a show,” says the singer and visual artist Vivian Bond, 63. “I wouldn’t cancel unless I was too sick to go on.”
Be Reasonably On Time, But Never Early
When it comes to intimate gatherings, the window for being “fashionably late” is shorter than you might think. “If somebody says [to come at] 8, I’m there at 8:05,” says South. Baraghani thinks you should be “10 minutes late, max” to a dinner, though a large, unseated party offers more flexibility. But don’t arrive early, either, or even right on time. “Give your host a moment to brush their hair,” says Nguyen. If you’re the first to arrive, says Bond, look around for opportunities to help, and if the host doesn’t want any assistance, “get yourself a drink and charmingly stay out of the way without turning into a zombie.” The artist Chloe Wise, 35, sometimes takes this thinking a step further by asking if the host needs anything from the store. “Leave and come back,” she says. “Ideally someone else is there by then, and the two of you fall in love.”
When Bringing Food or Gifts, Trust Your Instincts
Wise never shows up empty-handed, whether that means bringing a batch of her homemade sourdough focaccia, grabbing a single flower from a bouquet on her table or buying a bottle of sake en route to her destination. Baraghani, for his part, avoids bringing flowers. They “feel very personal,” he says, admitting that he’s “specific about the types I want in my home.” Nguyen, too, suggests bringing a gift only if it reflects an understanding of your host. If that’s someone who loves to cook, for instance, a nice bottle of olive oil will give genuine pleasure without interfering with their décor. She’s cautious when bringing a dish; adding to the spread without consulting the host beforehand, she says, can be “like wearing white to someone’s wedding.” The gift should be something the host feels no pressure to serve or even open at the occasion and can instead enjoy on their own time, says Baraghani. One exception is ice, which Bond and Wise mention is frequently in short supply, and much appreciated.
Plus Ones Are a Privilege, Not a Right
It’s natural to crave the company — and support — of a friend or lover when attending a social event, especially if you don’t know many of the other guests or fear someone might otherwise be left out. If the gathering is going to be large or casual, say Wise and Taseer, a plus one might be welcome, though you might still want to check ahead of time. (“If it’s a picnic, you can do whatever the [expletive] you want,” says Wise.) But when planning a more formal event like a wedding, notes Taseer, a host has likely given serious consideration to their guest list, and you should pause to appreciate that before requesting to bring someone they didn’t invite in the first place. Nguyen also discourages requesting an extra seat if an event will be held at a restaurant, where capacity tends to be limited, and an additional plate can spike the bill.
Wise — who, like everyone consulted for this story, is also a prolific host — says she “finds it shocking when someone asks to bring a plus one” to a dinner unless they make a compelling case for why they will prove additive. If you’re on the other side of things and lucky enough to be a plus one, she adds, enjoy yourself but avoid being overly familiar. In other words, “don’t skinny dip at the end of the night,” says Wise, “unless someone else does first.”
Be (or Seem) Self-Assured
Do you feel insecure upon arrival? You’re not alone. Even professional-grade partygoers experience social anxiety. “There’s this gift of a drink called the gin martini, which I find absolutely transformative for social occasions,” Taseer teases. But don’t just drown your nerves — embrace them. After all, says Nguyen, they mean you’re in a situation with unknown possibilities. Also, a little imitation confidence can pay social dividends. Bond recalls one occasion when, as a college student, they and their friend found themselves in the V.I.P. room at Studio 54. “What do we do now?” the friend asked. “Pretend we’re completely fascinating and hilarious,” Bond replied. “We just sat there like extras in a movie and laughed at each other,” says Bond — until other people in the nightclub, intrigued by their aura, wandered over. Another approach, says Nguyen, is simply to “look somebody in the eye and shake their hand.”
Try to Connect
Confidence can be fake, but conversation should be genuine and driven by curiosity. Baraghani thinks asking someone what they do, however, “is boring” and can seem like a coded assessment of someone’s social status. He prefers to ask about a person’s recent trips — a safe but stimulating question, even if they didn’t go far. Nguyen will ask, “What’s inspiring you at the moment?” to create space for people to talk about their values and recent experiences. Wise gravitates to questions that are more abstract, like “What do you think the opposite of nostalgia is?” When feeling provocative, she’ll sometimes ask a fellow artist “Who’s an overrated artist and who’s an underrated artist?” She says you can swap out “artist” for almost anything that interests you.
On the other hand, “In my family, if you asked people questions, you were being nosy and rude,” says Bond, who instead sparks conversations with a compliment. And Taseer usually opts to build on what someone has already revealed about themselves. “People have this curious way of saying something very early on that gives away what’s been uppermost in their mind,” he says. Regardless of your approach, don’t reach for your phone during lulls in the dialogue. Resisting the urge, says Baraghani, “allows for the conversation to evolve,” and unless you’re a professional photographer, says Nguyen, no one needs you to take photos.
Help With a Light Touch
The role of a guest is “not to be of service,” says Taseer, but to have fun. If you truly want to assist, be specific, based on what the moment requires. If you notice the table needs plates or that some dill is lying neglected on a cutting board, ask if you can help with setting or chopping, says Baraghani. He won’t insist on helping if a host demurs, though he admits this goes against the Persian culture of hospitality he grew up with, in which hosts and guests customarily engage in a dance of insistence and resistance. You don’t always need permission to help, however. Nguyen will often find small ways to contribute, such as refilling water glasses, asking if anyone needs another drink and dishing out foods that are being served family style.
Skip the Goodbyes, But Send a Thank You
It’s not always necessary to say goodbye — and in some cases, it’s better if you don’t. Unless an event is highly intimate, says Taseer, “you cast a pall” when you announce your departure to the group. If you know ahead of time that you’ll be leaving early, particularly from the dinner portion, Nguyen suggests letting the host know beforehand. Then, once you’ve left, express gratitude to your host. Nguyen likes to send a thank-you text immediately following the event and name something specific she enjoyed. “It’s nice when somebody can check their phone that night and just know you had a great time,” she says. But she also sends a real thank-you card via snail mail. So does South, provided the event in question took place in someone’s home. “Everybody thinks an email is the same thing as a note,” he says. “I don’t think it is.”
Don’t Obsess Over Your Mistakes
If you find yourself guilty of a faux pas, try to remember that a fair amount of so-called misbehavior is a necessary part of revelry, counsels Taseer, and remember that others were probably not as scandalized by your behavior as you fear. “When someone’s hosting, they know people are going to spill drinks [and] get too drunk,” says Nguyen. If you feel compelled to apologize, do so once. Then stop. “There’s nothing worse than apologizing over and over for something,” says Nguyen. “If you really make a fool of yourself,” says Bond, “send flowers.”” [1]
1. How to Be a Good Guest at a Dinner Party: The Summer Entertaining Issue. Courteau, Rose. New York Times (Online) New York Times Company. Jul 7, 2026.
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